Getting along and communicating can be so difficult even with the best of couples.
Carey and I have been married for over 25 years. We were both a little older when we met, so we were pretty set in our ways. We decided to go through a 5-week pre-marriage class before we got married. The subjects included God's Plan for Marriage, and practical subjects like communication, finances, etc. The class helped us so
much that about 6 years later we got involved in the class, and have been involved ever since! We have heard and taught about the subject of communication for over 16 years now. Not that we are perfect at communicating ourselves, but we do have some advice about how to communicate with your spouse....and loved ones.
This is especially important during this time of Covid. In some ways, we are very isolated from other people, but in other ways, we are forced to be with our spouse and family members in much more concentrated periods. In addition, we have limited opportunities to get away. This can easily cause us to be frustrated and annoyed with each other. This can bring out more arguments and less real communication. Communication can be a complicated process, and we don't mean to oversimplify it...but here are 11 things you should never say (do) to your spouse....including never using the word "Never"!
Never use words like "never" and "always". For example, "You NEVER do the dishes", or "You are ALWAYS late!" First of all saying "never" or "always" is not accurate. No one never does something, or always does something. It is an emotional comment, that only causes your spouse to be defensive. It is better to say something like, "Yesterday, you left your dirty cloths on the floor", instead of "You always leave your dirty clothes on the floor."
Never call your spouse a name that degrades them, or for that matter, any name that is hurtful. Words like "You are stupid, crazy, or you are an idiot" are never appropriate. In addition, sarcasm, followed by, "I was just kidding" is usually said to hurt someone. If your spouse tells you that the words you are saying are hurtful to them, that should be enough for you to stop saying those words.
Never get historical; stick to the subject! Bringing up all the times you were angry is not helpful. Stay on track or you will end up on a completely different subject or end up arguing about how you are arguing! We know you have done that! So have we! Remember you are on the same team. The goal is not to win the argument. The goal is to understand your spouse, and come to a conclusion and compromise if possible.
Never get hysterical! Emotionally charged arguments are almost never productive. I said almost never!😉. When emotions run high, we tend to say things we don't mean, and cannot take back. Even if you say what you mean, it probably was not said in a productive or loving way. Contrary to popular belief, sticks and stones are not the only things that can hurt us. Hurtful words can last a lifetime. Take an adult time out, before you say something you regret. Have a code word that indicates you need a break. But always set a time to continue the discussion when you both have calmed down.
Never interrupt your spouse when they are telling you how they feel. Use active listening. When they are talking, listen to understand, not to make your case against your spouse. When they are talking, ask clarifying questions to understand, but do not speak to argue. Then, when it is your turn to talk, ask your spouse for the same consideration.
If one or both of you are struggling with interrupting, use
a "talking" item to hold, like a stick or a spoon. Whoever
is holding the item, has the floor, and the other person
must use active listening. Set a timer if necessary, then
switch roles. It will feel awkward at first. But over time it
will become more natural.
6. Never run away from an argument. It may feel good at
the time, but it can make your spouse feel insecure or afraid. It is okay, and many
times recommended, to take a time out to calm down. But communicate this to your partner, and reassure them by letting them know when you will come back to continue the conversation.
7. Never criticize your spouse in public, or make cutting remarks behind their back.
Respect your spouse in public, and when they are not around. This will build trust.
8. Never expect your spouse to meet all your needs. Contrary to the movie, your spouse
cannot complete you...only God can do that! Focus on yourself if you need to fix
someone! Focus on making your spouse happy, and this in turn can increase your
happiness. This does not mean you should not bring up issues. But be realistic in your
expectations.
9. Never discuss the arguments or problems you have with your spouse, or with your parents.
Your parents love you and do not want to see you hurt. Parents can be fiercely
protective...and they don't forget. Your argument will be long over, but
your parents will always remember how your spouse hurt you. Share your concerns
with a trusted friend, counselor, pastor, etc. ...people who have the health of your
marriage at heart.
10. Never use the word, "Divorce". Once you introduce the idea, it brings insecurity into the relationship. On your wedding day, you probably said vows that included some something like these words..."I will love you in sickness and in health until death do us part".
Your vows were not based on your feelings alone, they were based on a promise. (There are exceptions- see below).
11. Never allow someone (your spouse) to physically, sexually, or emotionally abuse you.
Seek professional help to get out of the situation safely. Also, tell a pastor or a trusted
friend.
Two things you should ALWAYS do!
1. Always count your blessings! Focusing on the good things in your life, and practicing thankfulness, will increase your contentment and satisfaction in life. Consider keeping a journal where you write down your daily blessings, and then thank God for all you have been given.
2. Always forgive. This does not mean that you accept behavior or have no consequences for behavior. It does not mean that you necessarily trust the person again. It DOES mean that you choose not to let bitterness consume you.
Unforgiveness is like a cancer. It has been said, "Unforgiveness is choosing to stay trapped in a jail cell of bitterness, serving time for someone else's crime." Unforgiveness only hurts you. Forgiveness is a decision to be free. Your feelings don't necessarily change immediately, but the decision not to let bitterness consume you is in your own hands.
It may be a decision you have to make every day.
Carey and I know that our savior in heaven died for our sins so that we can be forgiven. Since we are forgiven of all things, it makes it easier to forgive our spouse.
*Many of these items, are "Said easy, Done Hard". In other words, they are not as easy as they sound.... they sound impossible to do! We agree. We depend on the power of God to give us the strength to do the items above. And we still mess up! But our Father is faithful to forgive us, and He continues to give us the strength that we need every day.💕
*A book that we highly recommend on conflict is Fight Fair! Winning at Conflict without Losing at Love, by Tim and Joy Downs.
Comments